Hey, if I get gravy on that little linen number, will it wash out?

Someone once told me I should go on the show "What Not to Wear", so it makes me giddy with pleasure to be talking about... wait for it... a fashion show! Ah, the sweet irony in talking high style while sporting jammies and a sweater, albeit cashmere, with a hole in the front from where the dog ate away the misfired Swiss Chalet gravy.

But this isn't just any fashion show. It's Mill's Spring '09 Fashion Show –  on this, their 90th year of existence in the land of the Junior League and the sou'wester. 

90 years. Talk about the ultimate small business success story. Can you imagine Spring Garden Road without Mills? 

The Mills show, in true, big-hearted Mickey MacDonald fashion, sounds like the perfect combination of a glamourous night out with prizes and a little heart-warming do-gooding. All proceeds from the event will be going straight to Palooka's Boxing Club. According to the PR spin from Mills, the evening is about "fashion and compassion". I've always felt sorry for my wardrobe so I say, let's go!  

The Mills show will be taking place at Palooka's which is an amazing spectacle, with or without celery stalk models walking around. A boxing nut, Mickey established Palooka’s Boxing Club to provide a positive environment where Halifax’s youth could develop "discipline, focus and self-confidence through physical activity". I sent Mickey an email to see if he could set me up with a boxing lesson, for fun (discipline, focus and self confidence) plus if you read below I could use a little face time with a punching bag from time to time.

Will I really be at the fashion show? Well, "what would I wear?" would be my first obstacle. Maybe I'll scoot down to Mills and see if they'll let me in. 

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Mills Spring ’09 Fashion Show will take place on Thursday, April 23 from 6:00 p.m. until 9:00 p.m. at Palooka’s Boxing Club, 2110 Gottingen Street. Tickets are available exclusively at Mills for $25 per person with all proceeds supporting Palooka’s Boxing Club. 

Make that bitter, and twisted.

This was going to be my final blog.

I spent a better part of yesterday in a funk that had nothing to do with my middle-aged spread, my dwindled bank account, or the amount of time I spend in a rink, instead of Tuscany.

My funk stemmed from a comment that arrived on my cyber doorstep before the morning paper or my first coffee. The comment came from a man and suggested, while my writing was okay, I seemed a tad, well, bitter.  

Bitter?

And that maybe I drank too much.  

Define, too much.

After my initial, "ya... so what, asshole" dismissive, I swung over to offensive mode, spewing bitter bile because it was, after all, 7:35 am on a school day, and I was on my third Mimosa. 

I then moved on to maudlin, as all bitter, drunk people do just before they drive their kids to school. I hated myself and thought, "He's right. Screw trying to be creative with my stupid blog. Who am I to think I could help small businesses, including my own, with a feeble attempt at self-depreciating humour." I guess you could say, I gave up.   

After a while, it dawned on me. Men don't usually seek out women who lean toward outspoken and comedic. It's a fact, backed by scientific research (and the large percentage of lonely women who laugh themselves to sleep). Most men want women to laugh at their jokes.

I started to rally the troops in my mind. I just had to. I thought of women (and men) who make me laugh out loud. My role models. My mentors. Even fictional characters, created by writers, who make my life a little lighter with a weekly running gag. My list began with:

Julia Louis Dreyfus's character, Christine in The New Adventures of the Old Christine. (Bitter single Mom, drinks too much, funny as hell.)

Christine Baranski's character, Marianne from Cybill. (Bitter, martini swilling, funny as hell.)

David Sedaris, writer (Bitter and twisted thanks to osmosis, or genetics. Funny as hell.)

Judy Gold, star of Mommy Queerest (Bitter and a lesbian, who cares if she drinks, she's 6'3" and funny as hell.)

Megan Mullally's character, Karen from Will & Grace (Bitter, lush, funny as hell.) 

Charlie Sheen's character, Charlie on Three and a Half Men (Bitter, alcoholic womanizer, funny as hell.)  

Holland Taylor's character as matriarch on Three and a Half Men (Bitter, boozer, funny as hell.) 

My list could go on and on, to include authors and friends, but I am too bitter and drunk to care. Instead, from now on, I'll change the tune of my blog to sober optimism. Here's how my days will read from my new, improved perspective. I hope you like it:

I awoke to a beautiful but grey, rain-soaked morning, the colour of wet cement. I was alone, but that's okay. I'm just happy to be alive, because every day is a precious gift. The basement was flooded but maybe I could make a wee frog pond or start an organic mushroom business. Look on the bright side I always say! I worked for a while – happily, for no pay, but I love what I do. Eventually,  I roused my beautiful boy who is such a morning person, and a joy to be around. I made him a homemade, nutritious breakfast and drove him to school on time. We chatted about Proust and iambic pentameter along the way, then he kissed me goodbye and said, "I love you, Mom... let's do some volunteering after school today!" Then, the dogs and I had a delightful walk in the park, and I love them so much I don't even mind bending over to pick up their excrement because sometimes it's the only exercise I get all week and I am grateful for it...

Oh, screw it. Men are assholes. Anybody have some Clamato?

halifaxbroad@gmail.com